If you’re stuck in the same predicament I seem to find myself in time and time again, then hold on tight. Your twenties are about to be broken down step by step.
Now if you’re in your 20s or have yet to reach, then you know a thing or two about relationships. Give or take a lesson or two, you at least know the basic blueprint of one. But do you know the big C word?
I noticed that Commitment comes to mind and is a much more important topic, in all sense of the meaning.
But COMMITMENT is a topic to sit down and spill tea over another day. The word I’m referring to is :
By textbook definition, clinginess can be defined as “remaining emotionally attached; to hold on.”
To define being clingy, in all it’s ambiguity is impossible. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. To cling and to be clung onto. The act of clinging is to find safe haven in the arms of another person. To yearn for their presence. To suffocate unintentionally till their essence has fused with yours.
As modern day women, the perception of the definition hasn’t veered much off of it’s general meaning in terms of relationships. Yet somehow I failed to see the sharp contrast in how others perceived the term. As a result, I asked some of my closest friends what they thought of it’s meaning and these are the responses I got.
-“To be clingy is like wanting to be around someone WAY too much. Like it gets to the point of semi stalking. Like you blowing up my phone, saying crazy shit. Like I’m clingy…but when I want you gone you better leave.”
-“The act of smothering someone.”
-“You don’t have to be under your significant other all the time.”
-“When a person…you know they care but it’s when they care too much, to the point they become a bothersome. There’s nothing wrong with being clingy but you just have to find the right person to be clingy with. Someone who’ll appreciate you clinging to them. Otherwise you’re just being a bothersome and becoming annoying.”
Then the sad realization hit. With each definition I got, I realized that each was a trait that I indeed possessed.
Dare I say it? Could I be…clingy?
There was a guy I dealt with some time ago, (it was actually a month and a half ago but who’s counting?) that told me I was not only suffocating but possessive and clingy. Of those three traits I can openly admit to being one. No in denial over here. Brownie point for me.
But suffocation? Not I. We were talking for quite a while. Few months to say the least and I did indeed become the first texter. I had gotten comfortable. Maybe a bit too much actually.
When he slept I texted him at least 8-10 times within the 12 hour duration to wake him up.
Yes, I said 12 hours. He slept like a pregnant woman.
I mean I thought the repetition of texts were cute. It was after all, me they were coming from. I hadn’t ever gotten a complaint before.
Seriously not ONE complaint. Not even from my ex, who failed to spend more than 2 hours with me on a daily.
(That’s a LONG story for another time.)
Now that I think about it, I did initiate the all day movie dates. I was always the first person to suggest spending quality time together, or that we should go to the new Chinese spot that opened a few blocks over . I even went out my way to feed his entire household with leftovers and pans of whatever food he’d suggested. I felt that there was no harm in finding time for one another since our responsibilities of the world, consumed our schedules most times.
Then again this is the same guy who wanted everything a relationship had to offer…just without actually having one.
This was someone I found myself falling into a comfortable routine with, and didn’t care. He didn’t care either, but was scared shitless of actual commitment.
The way I would’ve loved that boy…words can’t even fathom.
Sorry. Got off track.
No really, the 5 minutes of sex each time was worth it.
Subtle sarcasm. Way to be mature Elle. Brownie point for me.
But the constant need for attention reminded him too much of his ex. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Eureka! I’d found a double standard.
About a month or so into dealing with him, I’d met another guy. Sweet as all that can be. One problem. He suffocated the Holy HELL out of me.
He was ME.
He was the clingER and I was the clingEE! I was the one being suffocated! Could you believe it?
We’d gone to the movies a few late nights. Had dinner at one of his favorite Italian spots in the city a few times. We’d even spent late nights driving around and laughing as we exchanged stories from our pasts. One problem though.
While I thought I had clarified, that I was only interested in being friends-he thought that meant he could show me all the things I’d be missing out on. Truthfully in hindsight, I should’ve known he thought it was something more because he’d tried kissing me on more than one occasion. Not in a perverted way. He’d just attempted give me that Cinderella Hollywood kiss from time to time.
But that’s another story for another time. The thought of reliving it makes me ooze with discomfort.
Like girls, his persistence was REAL.
He continuously offered to pick me up from work for days at a time. He worked in Queens. I worked in Brooklyn. What in the absolute hell?
But of course, my friends wanted me to take advantage. He was “going to treat me like the Princess Elle I was.” They went so far as to forcing me to kiss him, just because he spent money (that I insisted he not) on me.
Granted, he wasn’t ugly. But the idea of me being intimate with him, made my skin crawl.
But not at the expense of my personal space.
He ALWAYS wanted to see me. Oh my God. Often throwing subtle hints about buying lingerie for “a special someone in the future.”
Girl. Delusional wasn’t even the word to describe him.
While I was being openly possessive of someone, someone else was suffocating me.
Funny how God flips the script to show us our flaws, while we blatantly ignore the signs.
In foresight, I should’ve known I’d lose both guys. The first one I lost because he’d found someone else to float his boat the way I used to.
Hurts like a bitch to be honest.
The other one threw a tantrum one night and stopped talking to me.
Like magic. Poof. They were both gone.
And you’d think I learned anything from the first one.
While it’s okay for men to suffocate females because we “need it”, in chances that that’s he best treatment we’ll ever receive from another human being, females on the other hand need to be kept at an arm’s length to a male. Cliché much?
To be clingy to someone is not a sin. You’re not stupid.
Overly invested yes.
Overly caring yes.
Perhaps even a bit overly emotional because you, are reading signs a bit too closely.
You are a lot of things ladies, but you are not stupid. I would say learn the signs, but hell what does society know?
But what do I know? I’m only 20.